Humor

This section is intended for hunt saboteurs and other like minded individuals. If you are one of the hunters who frequent the site you will probably be offended.  We offer no apologies for your lack of humor or intelligence.

Stolen liberally from Peter's humor in the C.A.S.H. newsletter and other sources

A farmer who was constantly harassed by hunters during the hunting season took a vacation to Italy.

While browsing around an antique store in Rome, he saw a striking brass statue of a rat. He asked the shop-keeper how much it was. The man smiled and told him that the statue was $12 but the story that went with it was another $75. The farmer paid him the $12 and told him he could keep the story.

As he walked down the street carrying his brass rat, he noticed that a few real rats began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, so he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the pack of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the catacombs, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing, almost shrieking, and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the catacombs, and threw the brass rat as far into the catacombs as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all ran into the catacombs after it, and dispersed throughout the underground passageways.

Relieved, he caught his breath and walked back to the store. The shopkeeper smiled and guessed, “Oh – I see you’ve come back for the story.” The farmer shook his head – “Never mind the story — do you happen to have a brass statue of a hunter?”

 

The following limerick is by Jill McCabe:

A feeble old hunter from Maine
was out shooting ducks in the rain
he backfired instead
and was shot through the head
but missed his diminutive brain

The following was adapted from a story from "Uncle Dave" of New City:

A hunter shot at what looked like a turkey but found to his dismay that he had shot a fellow hunter (who just happened to look like a turkey). In a state of total panic he threw the limp body over his shoulder and trudged into town. He unsuccessfully sought a medical doctor but the best he could find was an old country vet. He plopped his buddy on the vet's examination table and stood by as the vet examined the hapless nimrod.

The vet finally turned to the hunter and said, "I'm sorry, but this guy is dead." The hunter wailed, "Oh no - that can't be - I have to get a second opinion."

The vet shrugged his shoulders, opened the door of the examination room and a cat walked in. She hopped onto the examination table and very methodically examined the corpse. She then turned to the vet and meowed long and sad.

The Vet told the hunter - "Look, she agrees - he's dead."

The hunter was still in denial "Don't you have somebody else that can look at him?" "OK-have it your way", said the vet. This time he let in a big black Labrador retriever. The dog looked at the dead hunter; he looked at his head, he looked at his feet, he went to the other side and looked again. Finally, he thumped his tail twice and shook his head sadly.

"There you have it," the vet said, "This guy is gone."

By now the hunter accepted his fate. He thanked the vet and asked how much he owed him.

"That'll be $650," declared the vet.

The hunter was shocked "How can you charge me $650 for a simple exam?"

"Well" explained the vet, "It's $50 for the exam, $300 for the cat-scan, and $300 for the lab report

A hunter who works as a traffic cop pulls over a fellow hunter and asks him for his license. The hunter rummages around the glove compartment but comes up empty. The traffic cop asks him if he can identify himself. The hunter looks all over, pulls down the visor; flips open the mirror and ruefully admits, “All I have is this picture of myself.” The traffic cop looks at it and smiles, “Why didn’t you tell me you were a cop? Just take it a little easy on the gas—ok; you can go now!”
 

A hunter is trying to hunt on private property behind a house whose owners, he happens to know, are out of town that day. He starts sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - “Jesus is watching you!” He jumps, turns around, but he doesn’t see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. “Jesus is watching you!” He hears it again. So now the hunter is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, “Did you say that?” The parrot answers “Yes I did.” So the hunter asks, “What’s your name?” The parrot says “Clarence.” The hunter says “What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?” The parrot laughs and says, “The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler “Jesus”.

Here are some quickies:

Q: What are the six worst years in a hunter’s life?

A: Third Grade

Q: Santa Clause, a smart hunter, and a dumb hunter are walking down the street. They see a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk at the same time. Who gets it?

A: The dumb hunter because the other two are fictional characters

Q: What is the difference between the Abominable Snowman and an intelligent hunter?

A: There are reports that the Abominable Snowman has been sighted.

Q: Why can’t hunters get jobs as elevator operators?

A: They can’t figure out the route.

A teacher came back to his class after taking a day off for the first day of hunting season. He enthusiastically extolled the joys of hunting to his class. After fifteen minutes he paused and asked. “How many of you plan to go hunting when you’re old enough to get a license?” Overwhelmed by the animated description, but mostly intimidated by the teacher, all except one boy raised their hands.

The teacher glowered at that student and yelled, “And why wouldn’t you go hunting?” He explained calmly that his parents were in the Animal Rights Movement and had made clear to him what an outrageously cruel practice hunting was; so he would never take part in anything that brutal.

By now the teacher was fuming, “Your parents told you that? What would you do if your parents were a bunch of totally misinformed idiots?”

Confidently, the boy replied, “Well, in that that case I’d probably be a hunter like you!”

Q. How does a hunter show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
 

Q. How many hunters does it take to buy a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why are women who are married to hunters heavier than other women?
A. Most women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Women married to hunters come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Q. Where do you find good and decent hunters?
A. In the cemetery

Q. Why do they bury hunters 12 feet deep and other people only 6 feet deep?
A. Deep down they're good.

Q. What would you call hunter with half a brain?
A. Extraordinarily gifted.
 

Q. How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented by a hunter?
A. Anybody else would have called a teethbrush.

Q. What is the difference between a Yeti and an intelligent hunter?
A. Several people have reported seeing a Yeti.

Q Why are most jokes in this column one-liners?
A. So hunters can read them in one afternoon.

One hunter accidentally shot his buddy. He dragged the body to the nearest road and called the police to report the accident. When the desk sergeant asked him where he was, the hunter told him he was at the gas station on Massachusetts Road. "How do you spell that?" asked the sergeant. The hunter was totally puzzled for a few minutes -- then he ventured: "I suppose I could drag him over to Oak Rd and you can pick him up there."
 

A question found on an ethics midterm: You are in the woods with a camera during hunting season to document what hunting is really like. You see one hunter take aim at what appears to him to be a bear but from your vantage point you can see quite clearly that it is another hunter. You can save a terrible accident by shouting a warning -- or you can simply document the accident. What shutter speed should you use?
 

Two hunters were out in the woods looking for something to shoot. When they saw a big deer approach they got so excited that one of them had a heart attack and died. His buddy was very upset – he took out his cell-phone and called 911. Audibly disturbed and confused, he asked the 911-operator for help. The operator tried to calm him down, suggesting, "First of all – make sure he’s really dead." There was total silence on the other side of the phone – then a shot rang out and the hunter got back on: "OK – I made sure – now what?"

As told by Linda Howard

From an Ethics test:

Q: How can just looking at a hunter make all people agree on a common ethical principle?

A. Everybody is absolutely sure that there should be no human cloning.

A hunter went deer hunting using his brand new ATV. After a few twist and turns he came across a huge puddle in the middle of a clearing in the woods. A farmer was standing off to the side looking at him. The ATV rider stopped and asked, "Do you think it’s safe for me to ride through this puddle?" "Sure, you should be able to go right through it with that machine" was the farmer’s reply. The hunter revved up the engine and promptly sank in over his head.  After some struggle to free himself he finally emerged on top of the puddle swimming back to firm ground. "Hey – what do you mean by telling me it’s safe when it’s more than 10 feet deep?" the angry hunter demanded. The farmer shrugged and explained, "That’s strange – the water only comes up to the chest of the ducks over there."

Q. What’s the greatest compliment you can pay to a hunter?

A. "Nice tooth!"

Q. Why do they plan to raise the minimum drinking age for hunters to 32?

A. They want to keep alcohol out of grammar schools.

What is distinctly different about a hunter’s birth?

When a hunter is born the doctor is so disgusted he slaps the mother.

Two hunters were hunting on opposite sides of a large lake. One of them yells across to the other: "How do you get to the other side?" The other hunter is totally perplexed. Finally he yells back "You are already on the other side"

Why did the hunter bring his tree stand to the bar?

He heard all the drinks were on the house.

What has 80 legs and 4 teeth?

A hunters’ conference.

On the New York State hunting license application one line reads:

Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)

A hunter takes his idiot nephew hunting for the first time. "Look" says the hunter – "it’s simple, just three steps:

1) Look for tracks

2) Follow the tracks

3) Shoot the deer

"Got it?"

The idiot beams and says, "Yeah — I think I got it," and trots off into the woods. About 10 hours later he comes crawling back all battered and bruised.

Looking very apologetic – he explains:

1) I find tracks

2) I follow tracks

3) I get hit by train